Sometimes reality isnt real
We saw each other, smiled, like there was no past connection. I could read her smile, she could read mine to. The energy to grab her and hold her was taking over me. But i didn’t. I stopped myself from doing it. Stopped my heart from falling. Again.
“Hi.”
“Hi.” I said it back with the same tone she did. Soft. Caring. Like she wanted to talk.
“It’s been a while.”
“A while? 8 Months to be exact.”
“Been counting have you?”
“I can give you hours and minutes as well if you want them?”
“No it’s ok, but it’s good to know you still think about me”
“Think about you? I cant think about anyone else but you.” I had to look away, didn’t want her to see a tear in my eye.
I’m not sure how long her hand had been on mine and her foot tapping my foot under the table. I looked at the wind ploughing the streets with out of date leaves. The warm summer breeze keeping us in shorts and t-shirts, dresses and flip flops. But just windy enough to stop us from the uncomfortable summer sweating. I was always like that, concentrating on something else while I should be 100% with someone. My attention fell back on her, Emily. Emily being the first love of my life. And quite possibly the last. No one matched up to Emily. Not that I would tell her this. I wouldn’t let her think she was stopping me from being happy. She was good like that. She only ever wanted me to be happy. In mid conversation I tried to pick up what she had said…
“So what do you think?”
“I don’t know” I couldn’t really say anything else appropriate. To be fair I hadn’t been listening.
“I knew you weren’t listening. Again”
“I’m sorry, I was thinking how today’s weather reminded me of the first day we spent together”
Emily looked at me in the eye, long enough for me to know she still wanted us to be, but looked away quick enough to know that she was stopping herself from wanting it.
I stood up with hesitation.
“Drink?”
“You know what I like”
I nodded and gave a lazy smile, we didn’t see each other often but when I saw her it made me realise how I miss her. My Emily. I walked upstairs to the cafe counter.
“Two regular hot chocolates, one with cream and one without please” I always remembered Emily didn’t like cream after she got ill on it one eventful evening ago. The hot chocolate maker just stared at me with a confused expression.
“Two hot chocolates?”
I stared back at her and gave the hot chocolate maker £5
“Keep the change”
I took the long walk back downstairs to the comfy area where sofas and armchairs greeted you as you hit the last step. I looked over to the table I was sat on expecting to see her. To see Emily sat there greeting me with a smile but she was gone. I didn’t see her leave upstairs, her first drink was untouched. I didn’t understand. Turning to the table next to me, I asked the poor couple sat there peacefully.
“Did you see where my friend went?”
“No sorry we haven’t really been paying attention”
My heart done what I didn’t want it to do. It sank. It fell. It broke. That feeling I got 8months ago, the feeling of it being so fresh and painful. At this point I decided to walk out of the coffee shop. Everyone staring at the tears running down my face made me feel humiliated…so I started to run.
Seconds later I was stood outside. I hated the warm wind across my face, hated how it reminded me on her. My Emily. I realised at that moment that she could humiliate me, put me down, hurt me in front of millions, but I would still love her.
Back at home I sat. It’s all I could do. Just sit and think about Emily. I started looking at the box I had with her name on it. Opening it I was greeted by her smell. I had the left over bottle of perfume that I stole from her room and the old watch she used to wear. I always wondered whether Emily ever realised these were missing from your room. She hadn’t said anything yet so I assumed she hadn’t. An envelope thick with photos emerged from under your watch. Looking at them brought back the memories we shared. The memories we can’t continue. Moments later I heard a knock at the front door. I reluctantly and quickly tidied Emily’s box. I unlocked the front door, unsure as to who it could possibly be. I was greeted by a familiar smell….the one from my box. Then a smile that I had seen from the photos that I had just looked at. It was her, my Emily.
“What are you doing here?” I tried to sound angry at her, like I wasn’t happy to see her.
“Don’t act like you’re not happy to see me, I know you are desperate to talk to me. I can even hear it in your voice that you want to smi…”
I cut her off, didn’t want to hear her over confidence. I used to get paranoid that she could read my mind. She seemed to know what I was thinking and feeling.
“What are you doing here Emily. You can’t see me just when it suits you, it’s not fair on me. It toys with my emotions” I hung my head in shame. Ashamed that I could let her do this to me.
“I’m sorry I left you earlier, I had to rush off.”
“Rush!? You had to rush off. You could have left a note. Better still you could have told me you had to run off so quick!” She tried to butt in but I carried on. “I can’t keep this up Emily. One day in 8months? That’s all you could give me. I needed you the most when you left me! Where were you? Nowhere. You wasn’t here to help me, guide me or show me how to be happy. Just leave… Please.”
She stood there. Hurt by what I said, she couldn’t find words to say back. For the first time I saw her cry. One small tear running slowly down her soft cheek. Shortly after, she turned round and left. Without another word said. I couldn’t help but think I made the wrong decision. I wanted her back, I wanted her in my arms. I started writing her a letter, another one anyway. In 8months I must of wrote her about 20 letters. Not once had i ever got a reply.
I began writing the letter, I kept them short and sweet. Always apologetic.
Emily,
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. I shouldn’t have said the things I did. It’s not your fault that you wasn’t here when you left. It’s my fault. I should have paid more attention to you. I should have been with you more. Spent more time with you. But because I didn’t you left. I’m sorry. Please visit me or write to me.
Miss you
I love you.
X
At the end of each letter I would always put that I loved her, and that I missed her. Because i did, i do. It became habit after the first letter I wrote. I still remember writing it to this day. An 8 page letter. The ink running from my tears dropping on the page.
Waking up the next morning I posted the letter early. For the first pick up. I needed Emily to know she could visit me again. Sooner rather than later hopefully. Two weeks went by and still no reply, this wasn’t a surprise. Nor was the fact that she hadn’t visited me. I carried on with my day to day business. It was a usual Saturday off spending my time in Waitrose, getting the necessary vegetables in an attempt to be healthy. I walked down the aisle headphones in my ears when I caught the back of someone. Someone who looked like you. My Emily. I could never be too sure, people look deceivingly similar from behind. I increased my pace to catch up. Turning the corner you were stood there arms crossed, smug smile across your face. I jumped shocked that someone interrupted my speed. Until I noticed it was you. My jaw hit the floor. My chest became heavy. With my heart rate increasing. I could feel the sweat running down my back. Nerves making my hands shake.
“Hello you” Her voice was humorous and gentle.
“Is It wrong that I want to slap you and kiss you all at the same time?”
“Why would you want to slap me, and kissing me isn’t a good idea is it.”
“Scaring me the way you did deserves a slap, along with never writing back!” I knew I couldn’t kiss her, and I wouldn’t. All I wanted to do when I spoke to her was hold her and kiss her again. I knew that I couldn’t. I kept telling myself I couldn’t. Remembering what this would do to me.
“If slapping me would make you feel better go ahead..but I’m sure people watching you would wonder what the hell your doing”
“I wouldn’t slap you, never have never will. The last thing I would want to happen to me is to get arrested” There was a brief pause before I continued to talk. “I’ve missed you”
Emily took her time to say anything back, “I wish I had more time to see you Laura”
Every time she said my name it sent shivers down my spine. No one said my name like she did. She said it with love. We stood staring at each other. Briefly but intensely. She knew I wanted her to come home with me. I knew she wanted to follow me. I gave up on shopping. My final destination was home. With Emily.
She looked amazing as always. Slim, healthy, happy. It had been awhile since I saw her naked. We were together 8months ago but we hadn’t spent a night together in almost a year. My pulse raced as she came close to me. I didn’t want anything to happen. Not now. Not ever. Not if she was leaving again. I rested my hand lightly on the scar that ran across her chest.
“Stop”
“I thought this was what you wanted”
“This is what I want if you want it too. I just don’t want it if you’re going to leave.”
“Laura, I can’t stay. You know this”
I pushed her back and looked away. Holding myself back from grabbing her and touching her.
“Can you stay tonight? You can leave in the morning, I know you can’t stay forever. But can you lay with me. Just for the night? To hold you and have you close to me?”
Emily looked strongly at me, I knew it wouldn’t help situations and most probably bring my emotions back from 8months ago. She understood how much I wanted this if not needed it. So she slept with me in front of me. I held her from the back. The feeling of her skin next to mine made my emotions surge. I squeezed her tightly for a second.
The following morning waking up, I knew that my heart had already sunk. It was sat at the bottom of my stomach causing me to feel ill. Knowing I was about to wake up, alone. My arms were empty. No warmth next to any part of my body. I let the single tear that fell down my cheek dry in. Not wanting to wipe the pain away. I needed to remember this moment as I wouldn’t let myself do it again. My door was ajar, and the floorboards creaked, ignoring the familiar sound of my house shaking in the wind I wrapped myself within my duvet and closed my eyes. I only woke up 10minutes later to the distinct sound of a mug hitting my bedside table. Turning round I swore I was in a dream. If I was I didn’t want waking up…or did i? I wasn’t sure. If it was a dream I was going to wake up in a complete mess. But if it was reality then I knew I would still be in a complete mess when she had to leave. My Emily. She stood there with ruffled morning hair, and a sleepy smile that would melt my heart in the morning.
“Here’s your tea baby, two sugars, milk with the teabag still in. I think that’s the way you like it isn’t it?”
I didn’t know what to say, why was she acting like it used to be back in the day? Why couldn’t she stay. Forever. I didn’t touch my cup of tea. I turned away and didn’t say anything.
“Laura?”
I lay in silence. Still not wanting to talk. I was making myself angry that I was falling to believe she could stay.
“Laura? Ignoring me isn’t the solution. How do you think I feel. How do you think I find it, to do this to you and leave? If I could stay I would, wouldn’t I. It’s not like you visit me anymore Is it. When was the last time you came to see me?”
I turnt around. I knew what she was getting at. “So that’s why you haven’t visited me sooner? Because I haven’t visited you?”
“Well a visit would of been nice wouldn’t it”
“I visited you everyday for 4months Emily! But you wouldn’t know would you. You never saw me at 2am, sat there, hoping that one day I would wake up and realise I wasn’t living my worst nightmare”
“How am I to know, if I could of, I would have sat by your side, I wouldn’t leave. But you know I have no choice”
I picked up the tea on the side, hoping that it would taste wrong, I hated the idea of Emily making my tea perfect like she always used to. Everything she done was perfect. She was perfect. I just wanted to drink this tea and hope it wasn’t right, I wanted to be able to have a something to criticise, something to tell me she wasn’t so right. Even if it was just a cup of tea.
It tasted sweet, left an aftertaste of strong tea in my mouth. It was perfect.
Had I held on that the mug any harder it would of cracked, I had to put it down. Didn’t like that taste of perfection in my mouth.
“Laura, I have to go. I’m sorry”
I looked up at her, adamant to solve this aching inside me. “
I’ll visit you tonight, for the last time, and I don’t want to see you again after that. I will be the one to visit you for the last time.”
I could see her face sink, it was unexpected. She would always have a place in my heart. My Emily. But I couldn’t move on with her in my life.
“So you won’t visit me ever again? Just this one last time?”
I didn’t know if I meant one visit for the last time, or one visit in a blue moon. But I knew one thing, she wasn’t to visit me when it suited her, she wasn’t to visit me ever again.
“I have to let you go Emily, I have to move on, because being with you doesn’t let me do that, and being with you is never really being with you, I’ll be forever lonely.”
All I saw was a tear fall from her chin, she nodded her head, I knew she understood where I was coming from. My Emily knew it was time.
I can’t remember when I fell asleep again, but I woke up. She was gone, I knew that much, i reached over for my cold mug of tea but it was gone. She must of taken it with her. I got up knowing I had one last visit to make. I needed to take one last letter and one last gift. Sitting in the garden with rays of sunshine hitting my eyes I squinted at the paper laying there and started to write.
Emily,
I will forever miss you, my first love, my first heartbreak and my last mistake. I will always have a place in my heart for you. I will remember how my heart broke without you and I will never make the same mistake with anyone else, I’ll never let them go. I will always talk about my what if’s, I will always try to change the past. But for this moment in time I will look towards the future, the future that doesn’t have you in it.
I know I said I would visit it you one last time, but I will visit you again, I know I will. I will visit you when I need comfort, when I need someone to listen to me. You will just never know when you’re comforting me and listening. I will be silently next to you when I visit.
I enclose your watch which I stole, the watch that never fit my wrist, but the watch that held the time, the seconds and minutes you left me. It stopped working at that moment in time. That moment where you let go of me. I was going to get it fixed but the cracked screen told a story and blood on the catch made me feel like you were still mine. I left it as I found it.
I miss you, forever and always
I love you more than life itself
X
I got up, dressed quickly and decided to walk to Emily. My headphones were screaming music in my ears. Music that reminded me of you, music that reminded me of the summer and smiles. Music that told my story. I had your letter in my hand and watch clenched in my other. I didn’t know if I wanted to give it to you, but it wouldn’t ever tell me the time. It had stopped working without you, I had no use for it. If I didn’t give it back I knew I wouldn’t get over you, it was a part of you.
A mile walk later I came to the gates, the same black gates I would stare at for hours. They would shut at 8pm on the dot everyday but i would always visit you at 2am, I felt coming at 2am was more secretive, more intimate.
Today I came at 1pm today, I wanted to make sure you knew I visited you. I could get to you blindfolded once I was past the gates. I knew to walk forward until I hit the new section that was built, the section where all the young ones lived. The section that would always have parents and family gathering during the day, holding flowers and chocolates, sometimes footballs and cuddly toys. I could see why you lived here, it was well kept, the grass was green, always cut to perfection, the smell of flowers and fresh air greeting you. I would have to turn left once I hit David’s corners, I knew I needed to pass Katie, Marks and Joes before I got to you. Passing Joes was the worst, I can see you from Joe’s. I can see if someone had visited you or if you had been alone.
Walking up i passed all three and saw you. My Emily. I wanted to turn around. I wanted to run. My heart sinking into my stomach. I dropped your watch and letter. Scrambling to pick them up I continued walking until I stood in front of you. Until your marble front faced me. Your grave. It was clean. I was happy to see you had a present left for you but your sister. The whole thing was wrapped in a clear bag. On top there was a letter.
“Emily, you will forever be alive in our hearts, I’ve enclosed an extra large poster for your room in heaven, Love you always, Big sis”
I felt a bit out of place stood there, I didn’t want to stay long. I placed your letter in the middle along with your watch. I laid on top of you for what I thought was a few moments, the sun was shining down on us and the birds were singing, I wanted to hold you one last time, so I laid with you.
I was woken by a nightmare. The one that played your accident, your last seconds of life in my head, I wasn’t with you when it happened I was stupid enough to be busy that day, told you I couldn’t make time for you. Somehow I could see the whole thing playing in my mind, in my nightmares. The last 8 months I had seen this over and over again each time watching the pain you endured. Watching you fall off the ledge landing on the ground. But this time I woke up before you hit the floor. That never happens. I always see you hit the ground… Right to the last second, i would see you suffer in my nightmare. This time I didn’t see the end, Someone woke me up, I could only see your smile in my mind. I didn’t see your suffering.
I couldn’t believe I fell asleep. The sun had disappeared, the birds were silent, sleeping and the letter i had written had been opened. I felt happy that you knew I was here, for what could of been the last time. I stood up brushing off the blades of grass that had been blown onto me by the warm gusts of wind. Standing back from your grave, I smiled.
Walking away, I said nothing, I didn’t look back.
Goodbye, My Emily
